Monday, November 14, 2005

A Word from a Stick-Limbed Virgin

Has anyone seen this, in our ever so allegedly open minded Philadelphia Weekly? Yarn Die, Knitting is not/will not ever be cool. by Steven Wells Now, I'm not going to defend my hobby - no need - but I do wonder what happened to Steven Wells that he could be so vitriolic about something as harmless as knitting. What did we, the "savage knitzkrieg waged by bigoted "knitting nazis" who presumably want the uncool non-knitting untermensch (and their knitting-traitor collaborators) wiped off the face of the earth," do to poor Steven Wells?

Well, clearly Steven Wells was probably the kind of kid who was picked last at kickball, and claimed that it was a sport for Hitler youth. And, he was probably the kid would couldn't get a date for the prom, so proclaimed the prom a thinly disguised recruitment meeting for the Nazi fascist cheerleaders. And, he was probably the kid who didn't get into Harvard, and declared the admissions office was run by uber-suit, pseudo intellectuals who didn't understand his "normal, sane" decent, i.e. nothing special, qualifications.

And, I think that Mr. Wells called for the lynching of my Ann Taylor clad self - "The crazed math-rock and post-pronk noodlings of stick-limbed virgins carrying so many metal piercings they'd set off any half-decent land mine at 200 paces. In knitted uniforms. Shoot the bastards now-before it's too late." I hardly see myself as a "stick-limbed virgin" in a knitted uniform. Aren't I the girl who just argued to a jury that performing oral sex requires performance in, I might add, a Chanel knock-off suit?

I smell jealousy Mr. Wells - you are dying to knit. That "irritatingly chitinous click, click, click" you hear, I think is your tell-tale heart, because you protest way too much. But then again, you are too cool for school, and what would someone like me, a girl on the road to gigantism, know anyway?

4 comments:

yahaira said...

I think we all need to knit him something so he'll feel loved

yes oral sex does req a lot of "performance" : )

Stuntmother said...

I'm thinking maybe he had been traumatized by a skein of wool sometime in his past. Perhaps he twisted his knits or couldn't figure out how to decrease neatly. His article certainly smacks of something deeply disturbed by two sticks. Maybe he lacks even one.

mariss said...

Badass, my friend. Bad-ass. (Sorry for cursing ;)

NattyK said...

Funny post! He does sound frustrated. Oh well, too bad for him.